The Friend Manual: How to make friends when you're bad at it

My brother and I are both interruptors.

There’s two ways this usually happens:

1. The more excited we get, the more we have to say. The more we have to say, the more we stumble all over other people in the conversation.
2. We have trouble with conversational cadence (you know, the back and forth where the pauses are just right and all people involved get to participate? Yeah, sometimes that’s really hard.)

The thing about interruptions is that, regardless of intent, the output can seem very rude. And it remains rude until you can develop a rapport with someone enough that they power through it, or you create a social contract where you state your intent to do better and also empower the other person to call it out/interrupt the interruptions.

So, that’s what we did. It took years to iron it out and build a skills mix around identifying interruptions, working to reduce the interrupting behaviors, and just accepting things as they are.

We’re still both interruptors…but now we’re conscientious interruptors.

Find a friend to practice what you struggle with

The interruptor saga is just one of the many things I work on in social aspects. And I highly recommend trying this approach with someone you know. Hopefully someone who is empathetic and maybe has something they want to work on too (best case scenario)!

How does this work?

1. Identify a behavior you want to change (it has to be something externalized, like something you do or say, otherwise, people can’t help you with it)
2. Enlist a friend and tell them what behavior you are trying to change and negotiate how feedback could be framed. You can make it something small or goofy or silent, like tap on the side of the nose. Or go with very explicit instructions, e.g., “You’re interrupting again. I’d like to finish my story.”
3. Get feedback from your friend. If you can handle it, ask them to provide feedback in the moment as this will provide you an opportunity to redirect your behavior. If that will throw you off too much, then get feedback later (maybe via text or email).
4. DON’T BE DEFENSIVE. hahahahlolsigh. It’s sooooooo hard. It’s awkward the first few times. Be prepared for awkwardness.
5. Keep the feedback and reception of feedback short and judgement free (for example, “I’d like to finish my story” is easier to respond to than “you interrupted and it made me feel bad” or, “oh no, I interrupted you again, I feel so bad…let me tell you how bad I feel” because it adds more things that need to be managed.)
6. Keep going!
7. If it’s straining your relationship, stop.
8. Give yourself credit when you get a win.

What you need to know

This stuff is hard. Don’t beat yourself up. Behaviors can take a long time to learn. It may take you a while to even begin to notice when you are currently doing whatever it is.

(I apologize for the flagrant use of parentheticals in this post. It’s a sickness.)