In the first week after I crashed, I was pleasantly surprised to receive messages from several people offering condolences and offers to help. “If you need anything, just ask…” was the common refrain. Lovely sentiments. I received the same when my dog and grandma died. But for me, this is an impossible calculus to determine who to ask for what and what I even needed.
Why is asking for help complicated?
First, I have very few people that I normally ask for help, and we already have a set dynamic for that help. When big events happen, that set dynamic is upended and all help required falls outside of that set dynamic.
Second, because I am likely in a moment of crisis when this occurs, my brain is not functioning properly. I’m too tired or wrapped up in my head to know what I need.
Third, because I am in crisis, I am feeling vulnerable and prickly and ungrateful and mad and sad and probably a touch of the abyss. I’m all over the map. I’m gonna piss people off or shut down or ask the wrong person the wrong thing. I’m scared if I ask for help and then act like I am feeling, then I will lose that friend.
The phrase, “if you need anything, just ask” requires me to renegotiate the terms of our friendship or, in the case of work friends, our colleague/friend balance – and it requires me to renegotiate when I am least likely to be able to do it with any sort of grace or diplomacy.
Offering “anything” as help can sign you up for things you don’t like or are not good at
And, what about the helpers? Are they even aware of what they might sign up for?
When people offer help, I continually wonder if they are being actively punished by doing the things I can’t. Do they hate dishes? Are they dying inside while watching the TV shows I find comforting? Did they offer to drive me somewhere and it turns out they just find driving and waiting and listening to maps apps unsufferable?
But, because they offered help, then this means that they are beholden to the social conventions of being nice while helping, because what’s the point in even offering if you’re going to come over and be angry?
So. Many. Pitfalls.
What’s the solution??
Here’s my idea. And I think it’s a good one.
A help menu. Like a restaurant menu or a “these are the services we offer menu”.
In a perfect world, when I needed help, then I could look at the menu and say “I need these five things” and then the people who want to help could “sign up” to provide the things that overlap with their interests and abilities.
So…maybe it’s more like a help registry (like for weddings and such)?
What would this look like?
So, in true “me” fashion, I have created a long document of potential asks by the supported person (who is asking for help) and what type of qualifications / personal interest might the supportee (who is providing help) should likely have.
I categorized the types of support as follows:
- Executive function support (planning/logistics)
- Cleaning
- Dependents
- Physical sensations
- Movement in space / change of scenery
- Exercise my spirit and/or spirituality
- Exercise my mind
- Help me process my emotions
- Distract me
- Provide a sense of security
- Body / medical support
Here are some samples to make it easier to understand and then I’ll provide a link to the document here.
| The “Ask” by the person being supported | The inclinations and capabilities of the person providing support |
| Come over and cook something in my house/apartment | I love to cook and think that the smell of cooking in the house can be restorative. I’m happy to cook something you enjoy eating and will clean up the mess after. |
| Argue politics / the law / current events with me | I love to argue and logic endlessly without actually fighting (I was probably on the debate team in high school) and/or love to talk politics. |
| Ask me a series of questions designed to draw me out (I’m stuck and need help) | I’m good at talking to people in a way that makes them feel comfortable. I understand that not everyone is the same, so, we’ll give it a try for a set amount of time and see how we both feel and if we should continue. |
| Co-watch a series and discuss with me | I’m interested in watching or rewatching a TV series in person or scheduling time to watch each episode so we can discuss it in real time/via text. I am someone who can refrain from “watching ahead”. |
| Please call for a wellness check/9-11 after a set amount of time of no contact | I will call emergency services if you do not respond as per an agreement we discuss, e.g., four hours when actively ill, or 1 day if not. |
| I need help with medication management / shots – either pick up, putting in pill boxes, or administering | I am comfortable with medications and can be trusted to transport them, measure correctly, sort them per the prescriptions, and not mismanage them. |
| I need help with straightening up / decluttering | I am happy to work with you to put things in their correct places without making suggestions as to better organizational systems. Alternately, I am an organizational wizard and would love to help you organize, based on your wishes. |
Deep thoughts and takeaways
When I was creating this help menu, it made me think of which types of help I am good at and which ones would make me insane. It also made me expand my idea of help that can be provided. Because when you are reduced to asking for help, often you limit yourself to the nitty gritty day-to-day things and forget about the good things that bring joy or make both the supported and supporter feel human and alive.
Help doesn’t need to only be provided during times of crisis.
Help can be provided and asked for all the time.
The take what you got addendum
Sometimes, especially in times of crisis, you have to provide assistance you wouldn’t normally sign up for, and accept whatever help is offered. In this time, it’s best to just try to be as nice and empathetic to both parties as much as possible. And to use the help menu to try and give each other a break sometimes.
Why is this important to friendship?
I was surprised at the people who offered support to me when I crashed. Choosing wisely and actively taking people up on their offer allows me to expand my social network and even to upgrade some people from acquaintance to friend status.
It also gives me an opportunity to remember who I should reach out to when they are in need, and perhaps to provide some targeted assistance if they require it.
The Friend Manual: How to make friends when you're bad at it 