Event post-mortems

This is an ongoing experiment for me, and I think it helps to narrow down the things that can be tweaked to help me do more behaviors that lead to friendship (I’m a big fan of looking at all this through a behavioral lens). This is an extension of two other posts: Changing by degrees (behavioral tweaks rather than an overhaul), and Diagram of an event.

Here’s the event diagram for reference. This post will discuss the post-mortem step.

Post-mortem obviously refers to “after death” but is also used in the business world to indicate an after-event review to discuss what went well and what failed to work. I think it’s worth the energy when trying to focus on making and keeping friends to go through and create a post-mortem after social events to try and figure out what needs to be tweaked and what you can do for yourself to support your goals.

How to do a post-mortem

I recommend either writing this in a journal, or using a computer to save your post-mortems for review later. Just this week, I was having trouble signing up for another of the same event I previously enjoyed (Step 1: initiation) and was surprised how positive my post-mortem was.

To do a post-mortem, I copied all the steps in the stages of an event image above into a table and then recorded my impressions of each stage and what went well/what didn’t go well. I had already done a few and had decided that my goal in going to this new event with all new people was to manage my stress/social anxiety levels throughout the night to see if it made the event more enjoyable (spoiler: it did).

I also added a few rows in the table for my friendship goals that I have also created (I’ll delve into this in a later post).

Here is my sample postmortem from that evening (tweaked because I was a little more honest in it than I am comfortable sharing, but you will get the gist).

Game night post-mortem

The main goal in attending this event was to remain in an open state to be able to be friendly and to receive other’s friendliness and to be able to work within the social mores of the event. In order to do this, I needed to perform a series of planning, emotional regulation actions, and social interactions.

Initiation	I wanted to attend a meetup, so I found one close to my house. I used to attend games meetups all the time, so those types of events are familiar. So, I signed up and made the decision that I would go. Not that I might go. I was intentional so that whenever I questioned signing up, it was less of a question. I also treated it as a treat instead of another social punishment. I GET to go, instead I HAVE to go. I still had trepidation, but I named it.
Pre-planning	I wrote the name of the event on my whiteboard in my living room so when I passed it, I would see that I was going. I also wanted to bring a game I hadn’t gotten to play and want to, so I planned to bring that with me. (dual motivations).
Travel	I was able to get to the event exactly on time, but I think it would have been easier if I had done pre-planning and set everything up at least an hour earlier so I could leave as needed. I did not have time to decompress from the drive like I would have wanted to.
Hello	This was okay. I did go straight from driving to into the building because I thought I was late. Turns out I was just on time. I could have taken a breather. I went straight in and immediately figured out who was in charge of the meetup and asked her if she was with meetup instead of letting myself get worked up (I often do this, even if I know who is probably in charge). There were a lot of groups there. The first fifteen minutes were me staring at the table, which I figured would happen (overwhelmed), so I was ok with it.
Actively choose (friendship goal)	I actively chose a few things and that were super helpful to me. I chose to be a clue giver for a game, which I wanted to do. I chose to go with a game and immediately opted in instead of dithering and waiting to be told where to go. I chose to be friendly when given the chance. I chose to not worry about sitting right next to someone too much although people were too close.
Stay open (friendship goal)	I did a pretty good job a letting myself drift in and out of when I was feeling not closed and feeling open and just letting it happen.
Be interested (friendship goal)	I asked people some questions. And even took someone’s good question and asked the other people at the table the same question. I made sure to chat a little to everyone in my group.
Initiate leave	I knew I wanted to leave after 2 hours max. I was having a good time, so I chose 2 hours. 30 minutes before, I signaled I would have to leave early.
Goodbye	People were reticent for me to leave because I was part of the game and because I think I was the more chatty one and they were laughing at my jokes. It was still a little awkward. I hate the convention where people try to keep someone from leaving an event.
Manage emotions (friendship goal)	I was letting a little of my sharp humor out, and that was fun. I think I did a good job of letting my emotions be more fluid and not holding onto or judging them. I felt so activated about leaving early. I called my sister on the way home to rehash what I did good about going out.
Post-mortem	What could I have tweaked: I need to stop saying my job is objectively boring. I find it interesting, and some other people do to. If they don’t that’s their burden to bear. I need to set out clothes and set up to leave much earlier. I was uncomfortable in my clothes, I need to get more clothes that are comfortable and are approved going out outfits. I need to perform maintenance on my car. This makes me nervous. I need to reorient my understanding of this aspect of myself: I am friendly
Reinitiate?	Yes. I signed up for the next one. I consider this a success. (Hahahaha, this was a failure, I had to cancel because of a work thing and have never gone back yet in spite of trying to get myself to sign up again. Life has been getting in the way.)
Hangover	I had a REALLY bad social hangover on the next day. First, I woke up all ready to do something else(!) signed up for a second meetup of Friday! Zoom zoom. ANd then overreacted to everything during work. It was excruciating. Cancelled the meetup.
What were friendship goals that I succeeded at?	* Initiate contact and show up on time * Be myself * Create and hold my boundaries based on personal limits * Keep myself in an open state if possible What I need to work on: Separate activities into chunks and let myself decompress between them.

Findings (to do next time list)

I need more approved outfits and shoes. I felt comfy but shabby. I need better options.
I should buy logic puzzles for car I need something that will absorb me (see post about Breaks for more info)
I need to prep to leave for events and get dressed well ahead of time to leave. Last minute indecision is just nerves and frazzles me. Maybe even in the morning? Set up clothes night before?

Conclusion

Post-mortems provide a lot of information and break it up so that I can narrow down where my pain points are and where I can give myself a little more credit. This is very specific to this event, but certain things can be extrapolated into general rules. It’s also worth investigating why, when I had such a good time, I still haven’t gone back.