This is a continuation of Diagram of an event – Initiation.
We’ve discussed what an initiation ask is, now we’re going to discuss the response to the ask. People can either accept or decline the ask, but, as per usual, it’s a little more complicated…
I’m going to discuss the following response scenarios:
- Accept
- Counteroffer
- Door open
- Decline
- Vagueness
- No response
Accept
This is the easiest one.
The person who was invited accepts the event details and you go directly to the planning step.
This could look something like this:
“Would you like to go to the used bookstore with me today?”
“Yes! That sounds like fun.”
Counteroffer
A counteroffer accepts the basic idea of doing something together, but negotiates one or more of the details. This is a good sign.
This could look something like:
“Would you like to go to the used bookstore with me today?”
“I’d like to, but I have plans. Maybe we could go on Wednesday?”
Door Open
The door open option is when someone declines an invitation because they either can’t meet the details or don’t like the event type that is proposed. In doing so, they also don’t want to propose a different event, but invite the person to invite them to another event in the future.
This could look something like:
“Would you like to go to the used bookstore with me today?”
“I’m swamped this week. But, I love bookstores. Maybe next time you go, I’ll be available.”
— or —
“Hmmm, I’m not a huge fan of bookstores. Maybe we could do something else some other time.”
Decline
A decline is when someone declines an invitation. They may add additional information around declining to explain why they declined, but they also don’t add anything that could be interpreted as a “door open” decline. If someone accepts an invitation and then declines later or cancels, this is still a decline.
This may look like:
“Would you like to go to the used bookstore with me today?”
“No thanks. I’m going to a movie with friends today.”
A note to the invitee: A potential problem with simply declining the invitation is that it is the same answer that someone gets from people who don’t ever want to hang out with as the people who just don’t want to go to this event but would like to hang out in the future. It leaves the person inviting you to things with the job of interpreting whether you want them to ask again or not. If you’re keen to hang out sometime, choose a door open option to signal this.
Vagueness
Vagueness is a response that is not a clear yes or no. People may use vagueness to sidestep an invitation without declining or they may have gotten distracted and think they indicated some type of acceptance.
Vagueness pops up in all sorts of places and leaves the person inviting in the awkward position of trying to interpret whether they should press you again for a clearer response. Repeated vagueness (maybe 2+ times per invite, or, 5x in a row?) should be considered a decline.
This may look like:
“Would you like to go to the used bookstore with me today?”
“Bookstores are fun. I went to a great used bookstore in Portland.”
‘A note to the invitee: I think it should be considered good form to close out an invite and choose to accept or decline. It doesn’t actually save people’s feelings if you decline by being vague. And if you intend to accept, not accepting explicitly might cause unnecessary confusion for the other person. Practicing being explicit is helpful to the other person.
No Response
The no response course of action can either be someone declining or it can be just that someone didn’t (a) clearly understand they were invited to something, (b) they heard it/read it…and then forgot, or (c) didn’t notice in the flood of tech notifications we all have now.
If it was forgotten, it might look something like this:
“Would you like to go to the used bookstore with me today?”
<6 hours later> “Ohmigod I read this and forgot, I am so sorry. Next time?”
— or —
“Would you like to go to the used bookstore with me today?”
<two weeks later> “I’m moving, can I borrow your truck again?”
A note to the invitee: If you are incredibly forgetful and forget to respond to invites, you can tell the person making the invites something like “I like to hang out with you, but I’m so distracted/have a terrible memory for this sort of stuff. Feel free to ping me more than once if I don’t answer. I really appreciate it.” It’s up to you to make this clear.
Consent in invitations
Clear and explicit communications are key to consent in invitations. People who are inviting other people to things should be aware of when their invitations are declined and accept that when people decline invitations, they should stop asking.
People who consistently decline invites should know that they will be removed from the potential invite list and adjust their expectations around being invited. If you previously declined multiple invitations from someone for whatever reasons and now you have changed your mind, it is up to you to ask the person inviting to put your name back on the list.
Here are some consent guidelines to get started:
- If you get consistent ‘no responses’ or ‘declines’ to your invitations (maybe 3 in a row?), then the person is probably declining for all invitations.
- If a person only responds with door open responses for a good length of time (maybe 5 times in a row?), then they have essentially declined all invitations.
- If a person only declines certain types of invitations, then discontinue to invite them to those types of events. For example, if a person declines 1:1 invites, but will attend with a group, then only invite them to group functions.
- For no responses, you can do a followup question once like “I’m not sure if you saw this, but I’m still going to the bookstore at 2pm if you want to join.”
- If you meet someone new at a group event, you can ask them to a 1:1 hang out one time and if they decline do not repeat the invite. If they change their mind, it’s up to them to invite you (I’m talking to you, single dudes at Meetups).
- Continuing to invite people who are only responding with vague, decline, or no response may be damaging to your self esteem. It’s best to move on to people who are enthusiastic about you.
Please note: zero percent of this blog is created by AI.
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