I’m going to take a little winding detour to talk about the different types of asks (the first overture said/sent to someone before negotiating the details). Each type of ask means something slightly different. It can be useful to think about what types of asks are best to use in your life.
Now or Never ask
Now or never asks mean that there is a specific date/time baked into your invite. An easy example of a now or never ask is inviting people to a concert. The concert will only happen at that day/time/location. There aren’t any options for changing it.
Now or never asks work much better for people that have open schedules or when the invite is sent early enough that people haven’t already booked up their calendars. Some people love to go to planned events and will be more likely to accept.
Examples: Concerts, plays, conventions, gallery openings, lectures, opening night movies, monster truck rally’s, watching sports, etc.
Spontaneous ask
This is my favorite one because I have few demands on my time outside of work and have unreliable “spoons” for socializing. A spontaneous ask is an invite with a short shelf life. If you run into someone out in the wild and ask them if they want to get coffee or a lunch. Or, if you text a group chat in the morning and say “is anyone free today? I’d like to do something.”
Spontaneous asks can be very hit or miss based on your friend group and their level of obligations such as jobs or children or other communities they are involved in. These are my least successful asks.
Examples: Do you want do something in the next hour? Is anyone free today?
Recurring ask
Recurring asks are events planned for the same place and/or time at a regular cadence for the same activity type. Recurring asks are a great way to solidify loose friendships into more solid ones. It gives people the opportunity to build friendships with less pressure.
Recurring asks that are the best at building solid friendships recur on a weekly, bi-weekly basis. The regular cadence makes it easier for the same people to prioritize attending the events.
Examples: Trivia night, team sports, game groups, book clubs, religious groups, hiking groups, restaurant or potluck groups, photo taking groups
Example ask
Example asks get general information to set the groundwork for a more specific ask. It’s more specific than a general query such as, “do you like movies?” An example ask posits “would you like to do ______ with me sometime in the future?” However, beware that example asks can be answered with either actual affirmation or with general social platitudes very easily, so should not be considered a hard yes.
Examples: Sports, movies, types of outdoor activities, shopping, comic book conventions, wineries, writing, art, etc.
Serendipity ask
Serendipity asks are when you create conditions that make it more likely to run into someone at a location. Serendipity asks are a great way to get in shorter social visits as these have less pressure to be long hangouts.
Serendipity asks are useful when you have friends that go to the same locations or areas that you do or are vaguely planning to go to an event. For example, you may know that a friend likes to frequent a coffee shop or works next to a park that is good for hanging out at.
Examples: meeting up near someone’s place of work during lunch/break times, local street fairs, parks, anywhere you can informally hang out for a while
Open ended ask
If you have plenty of free time and want to do a specific type of activity with someone, you can give an open-ended ask as a bid to set a specific date. For example, you can say “I’d love to go to hiking this month. If you have some free time, let me know.” This is a bid for someone to return with a specific ask.
Examples: Suggesting a day of the week that is open for you or a time period, e.g., lunchtime
You’re already doing it ask
This is a serendipity ask that takes into account your friend’s existing schedule and limitations. This is especially useful for very busy people or people who have lots of time dedicated to others, like kids or community.
For example, I texted my friend with small kids “hey! It’s nice out today. Text me if you and up going to the playground in our neighborhood and I’ll see if I can stop by.” This was successful because I know she often takes her kids to the playground and I was flexible on timing because small children don’t run by clocks.
Examples: Asking people to stick around for a short hangout after religious services, joining people at community sporting events, showing up when someone is doing something community-based
I’m gonna make this easy for you ask
This is great for when I really want to hang out with someone (my social drive is high) and when I’m not picky about what we do (my preferences are low) and/or I have a lot of energy to arrange a hangout where I take care of all the particulars to remove my friend’s obstacles.
Examples: Whatever your friend has already explicitly stated they want to do, I pick up my friend in a car and drop them off afterwards, I go to their house to hang out
Hyper-Specific Ask
If you have something that you want to do that has a lot of conditions attached to it, you may need to ask many people to find a person that is willing to do it. This is the type of ask that probably needs to focus more on consent because if I am asking something hyper-specific, I am probably super into it or am backed into a corner and am likely to use social pressure to get people to join.
For example, I kept asking people for years to come to improv classes that I was taking because it was fun for me, and I found a lot of value in it. However, this was a BIG ask for a lot of people because it requires a lot of trust and is perceived as being very socially risky. I thought it didn’t have nearly as many inherent social risks because I forgot how much effort it took to do in the first place.
Examples: Anything that requires a perceive high level of social or physical risk taking, or sacrificing a lot of time, money, or effort, improv classes, skydiving, committees
Egalitarian Ask
Egalitarian asks are when everyone is invited, including strangers. These are great to organize when you want to expand your group of friends or when you need people to fill a function that is missing in your current friend group.
Examples: Meetups, public events
Other asks
I know I’m missing others. Which ones are missing?
The Friend Manual: How to make friends when you're bad at it 